I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
