this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
