I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
