What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
