Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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