so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Randomize
