If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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