In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
