wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
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