I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
It's rum buckets o'clock
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
