When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
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