mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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