He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
