I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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