If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Randomize
