I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Randomize
