Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize
