i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
As shirtless as possible
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Randomize
