Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
