Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
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