and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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