OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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