I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Randomize
