I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I woke up under a house in Key West
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