had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Randomize
