Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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