Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I still have a little drunk in my system
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
