So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Everyone says I win the strip club
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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