I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
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