So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize
