How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize
