tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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