she was so not down for the gang bang
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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