Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
