didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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