i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
