I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
