I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize