my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
