This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize