I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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