I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
