You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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