No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
