last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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