remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Randomize
