Considering the face that your still in jail Im gunna go with no.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
