So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Randomize
