I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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