guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Randomize