I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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