where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
it wasn't lemon gatorade
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
