You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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