she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
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