I think we need to take a brake
What upsets me the most about that is that you spelt it 'brake'
6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
