mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Randomize
