somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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