even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
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