Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
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