ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
