She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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